Super Connected

*yay* one of my favorite Broken Social Scene songs.

I'm craving a beautiful experience.
I have the feeling of needing to be known.
Perhaps that is why I started to write blogs again,
aside from wanting a profile so I could make
comments on *other* people's blogs. hee hee :)

But, I want to deeply know another person.
I want to have a close close friend to confide in.
To share with.
I want someone to know my ambitions
And the goofy trains of thought that run through my head.
I want a co-creator, co-conspiritor.
A co-pilot on adventures and travels.
Someone that knows who I was, who I am, and who I'm trying to be.
Someone that I am fiercly loyal to and that I can trust and rely on.
Someone who accepts me on days that I am a bitchface.
And someone who doesn't take advantage of me when I'm being nice.

I have amazing friends.
I have friends that are there for me.
I have friends that I tell secrets to.
Actually, I'm really excited because
I finally have a girl friend that I hang out with once in awhile.
A girl that I can text/call when I'm having a bad day.
We bitch to each other about men.
Make snarky comments about things.
And knit together :)
I have not had a close female friend since my friend Anne moved away.
My friend Anne is the most beautiful amazing passionate person
that I have ever gotten the chance to get close to.
I admire her strength to live and pursue her dreams.
She and I felt so deeply for each other.
I told her everything.
I miss how intense our friendship was.
I miss hugging her and holding onto her for dear life.
I miss knowing that no matter where or when,
she would come for me, she would be there for me.
I want her to come back, the distance has hurt the connection.
I miss having someone to cry to.
Someone to sing with
(I love singing, but I'm terrified to do it in front of anyone)
I miss having someone to celebrate with.

As I date around to try and find a good guy,
I realize that I'm really just looking for a best friend.
I mean, if I get to have nakie time with this friend, bonus,
but really,
I'm just trying to find an unwavering intense friendship.
Someone to talk to for hours and hours and hours
until we're both just sitting there in silence
completely in awe of the revelations
and ideas that are being exchanged.
I love having talks with people that almost require
that moment of silence to digest everything.
I get to have these moments from time to time.
I have a pretty great group of friends as it is.
I guess I shouldn't be greedy by hoping for more.
Maybe I used up my one great friend that life granted me.
Maybe all we get is that one person that keeps us from coming apart.
Maybe I was so lucky with Anne
that now my friends will be just normal, adult friends
that talk about normal adult grown up stuff.
Friends that keep it light and just want to talk about how my day was.
Or what diet they are trying.
Or what they are planning on doing this weekend.
Which is fine.
I will take every interaction and appreciate it greatly.
A friend is a friend is a friend.
I feel like I'm getting whiney.
And ungreatful sounding.
Bah!
Where did my teen years go?
With the friends that I had that felt it all.
With the dreams that I had that were unmarred by reality?
I am still very much the person I was back then.
But it seems like everyone else grew up.
I don't want to grow up.
Ever.
I still want the friendships I had when I was 17.
Oh!
Another great Broken Social Scene song.
"you used to be one of the rotten ones and I like you for that. .
now you're all gone, got your make up on, and you're not coming back. . ."

*sigh*
breathe.
keep creating.
everything that should happen, will.
as long as i am open to every experience
as long as i embrace every heartbeat and breath
as long as i appreciate all the people that have walked through my life
i will be better at who i am
i will live more fully
i will see more clearly
be open.