How do I let a good man down

I don't know how to love a man that will stick around.
I don't know how to feel right when things are safe.
I don't know how to be loved.
I don't know how to act when things are healthy.
I can't seem to live the life that I want.
There are some nice boys in my life that like me.
And I don't know how to love any of them.
One guy that has been through a lot of tough things in his life.
He makes me feel safe and he takes care of me.
But I get the overwhelming feeling that I will fuck him over.
That I will fuck everything up.
I don't know how to handle someone that is that nice.
For his sake, I can't get close to him.
And I've already started drifting away.
Another guy that says he likes me and seems honest and true in his intentions.
He has interests that are similar to mine
and his sense of humor and oddness is very much like my own.
But I am afraid of him and afraid to get close to him
because I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I'm still trying to figure out what the catch is.
Then there is a guy that I talk to alot
that is coming to see me all the way from Seattle.
And now that it's becoming real, that I will actually meet him,
I can't help but feel distant and scared of reality as it draws near.
I have wanted to be in a relationship for a long time.
I have wanted to find a nice, kind man to spend my days with.
But whenever someone gets close to me
I don't know how to act.
I don't know how to be liked.
I am the one that does the liking.
I am the one that puts myself out to be hurt.
I don't know what to do if things don't look like they will fail.
I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship.
All I've wanted for the last 6 years is to be in a healthy relationship.
Now that I have chances to do so,
I don't know how to accept them.
I can't be with someone that respects me.
I am only attracted to those that I have no chance with.
I only want those that will hurt me.
I have tried rationalizing it.
I have tried forcing it.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what is wrong with me.

T9 Dictionary: My Words

These are the words and misspellings that I have added to my t9 dictionary.
baby
Bah
bagel
Beavis
Bff
Benton
better
Chow
bisquit
bistro
bitch
bitches
bitching
bitchy
biter
chutney
Blah
Bleh
Akira
clit
bloag
Coary
Bologna
boob
boobs
boner
comfy
boning
bonkers
coot
convienence
cranberry
crappy
bratwurst
appt
bullshit
bummed
bummer
cunt
burrito
cutie
autism
Aydin
facebook
fag
damn
dammit
farrell
eastbound
farting
dbt
fatima
dearie
definatly
eek
dick
ditching
folky
email
doodle
doozie
dork
dorky
douche
freaking
fricking
frisky
fuck
fucka
fucked
fucker
fucking
duluth
futon
ew
haha
icky
hankering
gayhill
heck
heehee
hexagon
gigiddy
giggly
girlie
gmail
gnarly
hola
homie
googley
honkey
hooray
hotness
hottie
ipod
Grouper
IUD
Jay
Jeaux
Kellie
Kenny
kilt
jinx
kisser
Joeclyn
nachos
nah
magnolia
nakie
mascot
Nate
Maya
Mayhill
Mawk
neato
meds
meh
meow
nerdy
netflix
mew
mhc
Micheal
Mictlan
OKCupid
Okkervil
mofo
mojo
Nokomis
Mmmm
Nopers
mopey
MRSA
nummy
mutha
nyah
rah
salsa
sammiches
Santogold
scrabble
scrounge
patootie
reals
Pele
semen
penis
sesh
sexiness
Shatner
Shawnie
Sheesh
sigh
shit
shitty
sinus
pissed
pisses
pissing
slut
snarky
smhs
smooches
romp
pooped
pooping
romps
spendy
splurged
Staci
Stacy
Stevie
quickie
stinky
stoner
runny
sushi
pussy
swindle
taco
taffy
vcr
vh1
that
theres
Tina
vhs
tits
trippy
tsk
walrus
wanker
yay
weening
wiener
Wendy
whacha
whachu
whoa
woot
wontons
yuck
yucky
xui
yum
yummy
wuss
yuppers

A,B,C's and 1, 2, 3's.

So.
School.
I'm finally, begrudgingly entering the world of academics.
As hard as it is for me to bring myself to do so,
you would think the world would cut me some slack and make it easier to enroll.
But nope, I'm a Phelps, gotta do everything the hard way :)
I enrolled into Metro State, but I was denied.
It's quite a blow to shoulder.
I was a decent student through high school,
and I did a year of college as a post secondary student through my senior year in H.S..
I ended that junk with a 3.0 GPA.
Not too great, but not terrible either.
But then once I graduated, I felt the pressure to go to college for something.
I started taking classes to be a chiropracter through RCTC.
But then one of my friends got his own place,
he was the first one of us and it was such a new and awesome thing
that one of us had a place where we could all go and get really fucked up and not care.
So I started skipping class to get drunk and do acid and
smoke pot and do coke and blah blah blah drugs.
And then I couldn't make it to class anymore because I was always so hung over,
or it got to the point that it was embarassing to be there because I had skipped so much.
So that ended my college attempt with a GPA of 1.75,
because I pretty much just dropped out within my first semester.
Noooooooooooooow it's present day and I applied to Metro State
and I had to take a placement test to see where I would have to start out with things.
I ended up doing very well in the english portion of my tests,
however, math totally got me and I failed that part miserably.
Hey, cut me some slack, me and my friend Josh thought it would be genius
to take every single one of our required math credits all within our 9th grade.
So, I haven't had any sort of a math class since the ending up the 9th grade.
I graduated in 2000. . .so it's been since. . .1997? Or so? 12 years? 13 years?
Yeah, I'm not surprised that I bombed math.
In the end, I didn't get accepted into Metro State.
But I was recommended to start out at MCTC a Minneapolis community college.
Fine, whatever.
I have to start with some developmental math classes to get the juices flowing again.
and I can do all my generals there,
then transfer over to Metro State once I have recovered my GPA enough.
Which, the whole transfer thing is kind of nice because MCTC and Metro state
share a campus at their Minneapolis location.
So when I transfer, I'll basically just get a new logo on my student ID,
and I'll keep going to the same campus as I was all along.
Whatever.

This is what gets me though.
I wish that it was easier to go to school.
Why do I have to be held to this standard?
Obviously my math skills suck, otherwise I wouldn't be going to you to sharpen them.
Obviously I don't know what it takes to be a social worker right now,
that is why I am applying to this school to learn how to perform in that field.
So why make it so hard?
Why make it so expensive?
In the collective community that we human beings live in,
does my education not provide a means to a greater solution?
School should be free.
And it should be open to all of us.
Teachers should be paid handsomely,
and by having school be free,
well, figure something out.
We give away scholorships and grants and all that crap,
just give it all directly to the teachers.
Whatever, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Also, I don't want to go to school.
I really don't.
And it is something that I have fought for a long time.
I don't want to be measured up to others.
I don't want to feel like I am stupid.
I don't want to feel pressure to perform in a way that is acceptable to a teacher
that doesn't know me and won't have time to appreciate my individuality.
I feel like attending school will be the ultimate stripping of who I am.
I will become another backpack toting drone that is lost in the crowd of academia.
I know who I am.
And I'm smart on my own.
But my natural intelligence won't be apprecaited there.
It is hardly appreciated by someone that knows
me deeply enough to know my natural talent.
My best friend.
The schooliest-scholar of them all.
He who says I have contempt for educated man.
How much he hits and misses with that statment.
I DON'T have contempt for educated man
in the way that I hate them for being smart.
Not at all.
I have great admiration for someone that can fall in line and do as they are asked.
I have respect for someone that can stick it out and commit to something like that.
I respect the fact that they are able to take the criticism of grades and handle monotony.
However,
I have contempt for someone that will not see me as their equal because
I have not been through the same generic routine.
I lose respect for someone that talks down to me because I didn't find my path sooner.
I hate being told that I am not adequete because I have not been in school.
I am just as smart as you,
and possibly even more so,
because I am doing all of this on my own.
So fuck your education.
Without it, I would like to see how we would stack up.
So when I graduate, be forwarned.
Because then I will truly have contempt.
And it will be for educated man.
Because once I get my receipt/diploma,
I'm fucking coming for all of you.

It has been a 10 year adventure,
living my life and taking it as it goes.
I never knew what it was that I would want to go to school for,
so I just kept on living and learning things about this world and myself
to really figure out what it is that I wanted to do with my life.
And I feel like all of this has made me a much stronger person in life.
I KNOW what I want to do now.
And knowing it, as strongly as I do, I have the passion to pursue it.
Had I signed up for school 5 years ago, out of pressure or whatever,
I would have dropped out again.
There is no doubt in my mind.
But now I know.
And I have all the life experience behind it all to fuel my insight.
I'm ready.
Well, no, I'm not.
But I know I need to do this.
Otherwise I'm going to be stuck working at a shitty group home for the rest of my life.
Fuck that.
I'm sick of going home, smelling like piss, shit, incence, and cigarettes.
I'm sick of being ineffectual and feeling like what I do pointless and mundane.
I'm ready for the next chapter in my life.
And school is just like the bridge between now and my future.
Fuck.
I hate school.
Already I hate it.
But atleast I get to go school supply shopping. Rock!

Magnolia

I wonder what in my life defines me.
Or rather, what it is throughout my life that defines the stages therein.
I know there are significant things that impact who I am.
My parents and brother are the biggest influences I have.
I know the love they have shown me and the support they always give me
is a determining factor in the way that I react to my surroundings.
I know that my closest friends also help form the person that I am.
Dennis, Anne, and now Ashely show me a lot of things about myself and the world.

I wonder with the things that surround me,
what it is that sticks out to me,
what it is about me that makes those particular events to be more 'life changing' than others.
Why do I pick up on *this* instead of *that*?
I think there are things within my personality that make me favor some influences.
I don't have an example, so this will be a horrible paragraph of nothing,
but I feel like the way that I am causes me to see things
in things that some others wouldn't.
I am optimistic,
I tend to pick up on the best part of a situation and expand upon it.
That is a good example I guess.
I am predisposed to always see the goodness in something.
I get bitter and resentful
and sometimes it causes me to dwell on some of the negativity,
but for the most part,
I can't help but see the beauty, love and miracles in the small things that surround me.

So, I wonder, how does that effect the things that shape me?
Will I tend to strive to see the happiness in all the things that impact my life?
What happens when something bad happens?
Hee hee :)
I know the answer to that,
I will delude myself to see the goodness in the bad as well.
My optimism is like a fantasy defense mechanism.

And how will I shape the lives of those I come in contact with?
I always hope that I leave a positive impact.
I will never really know, I suppose.
But, I have the rosey, sunny outlook that leads me to hope that
I can improve someone's day by a tiny, little fraction
by smiling at a stranger on the street.
Or holding the door open for someone.
Or being the first person to say hello while passing someone in a store.
I try to be helpful when possible.
I don't know what kind of day people are having when I interact with them,
so I try not to press upon them the bullshit of my day/life,
and I try to cater to what is going on with them at the moment.
Maybe by smiling at a person in the grocery store,
I will somehow make them believe that young hooligans
that have piercings in their face and dark make-up around their eyes
are nice, friendly people that aren't half bad.
Maybe by holding the door for someone will give them that small break they needed.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to make a small dent.
I know I can't change the world.
I know I can't change anything buy myself.
But I hope that I can atleast be a positive influence to those that I am around.

Photo Kids.

I think kids are interesting.
I like to strike up a conversation with kids when I can.
It's pretty rare, I don't know many people with children,
but I enjoy the innocent honesty that you get from a child.
This writing, however, is not about what they say,
already I am getting off topic. :)
I am interested in what they see.
I have decided that when I have kids,
I will make sure they have a camera at all times.
I'd probably prefer to go with some disposable 35mm camera,
something that wouldn't matter if they lost it, broke it, whatever.
I am curious about what pictures little kids would take.
I am interested in the angles they'd shoot at.
I'm sure that most of the pictures would be impulsive snaps
that are out of focus, fuzzy, blurry,
and the targeted object of the picture would probably be half out of the frame.
However, I think it would be interesting to go through a roll of child's film.
I want to know what catches their eye.
I want to know what they thought was worth capturing in their shutter.
I want to know what they are seeing in the scenery.
In a way, I want to be able to see something through the eyes of a child.

I would have albums and albums of their photos.
Granted, I would hopefully have a child that willingly goes along with their crazy mom.
I would have walls that are filled with frames holding their photos.
We could use their photos for collages.
We could use the photos to create pages in books.
Cards for relatives.
Something for them to look at when they are older.
Something so they can see what they saw when they were a child.

And who knows,
starting a child off this way might lead to something more.
I think the more confidence the child has in pursuing their vision could be a good thing.
Maybe that confidence would lead them to be more artist.
Maybe they would embrace their creativity.
Maybe.

Keep'n It Real

In all the things I claim to be or not to be,
the one this I can say that I am is real.
Even when I am living in my fantasy land
and dreaming about things that may never happen,
there is a realness to it.
There is heart behind it.
I will tell you exactly what I think of you, it, this, that, whatever.
I do so in a tactful way, I'm not a hurtful person.
But I pride myself in doing what I think is right.

I can come off as an intense person.
I can be very overwhelming.
And those characteristics have been somewhat of a hindrance to me.
But I won't apologize for it.
I like that I get carried away.
I like that I can be too much.
Because that is who I am,
and I'm going to keep it real.
I don't suppress myself and try to be something I'm not.
I might scare people off,
but I figure I want to get it all out in the open right away anyway.
I don't know how long I have, or how long any of us has.
I don't know how many opportunities I am going to have with people,
so I want to do everything right away.
I want to say it all.
I want to leave nothing behind.
I want no regret.
No stone unturned.
I want you to know everything about me rightthisverymoment.
Because moments are all we have.
And I'll be damned if I don't seize every opportunity I have.

So for people that can't handle me,
I feel bad for you, son.
I'm living life to the fullest that I can.
I'm not holding back.
I'm saying all the things that are on my mind
and trying to make that connection.
Ah! A connection.

I want to embrace everyone and everything.
I want to feel everything to the depth of my being.
I want to share all of this with everyone.
I want to share my love with all of you.
My smiles, my laughter, my stupid pervert jokes.
I want to envelop every person in my joy
and bring them along for the ride.
To be real with people,
and hope that people will be real with me in return.

So far I come off as slightly misunderstood.
Or so my BFF Dennis says.
"Guys just don't understand you."
I don't know if it's just guys.
And I make no claims to be some enigma or mystery.
I'm putting myself out there.
Someone is going to get it, someone will get what I'm about.
When that happens, it'll be like fire works.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

I still have a forlornness inside.
But I'm burying it as deep down as I can,
Sometimes when you ignore something long enough, it'll go away.
I've decided I need to commit to some things in life.
1. Music
2. Bettering myself
3. Getting better with my finances.

Music will be the easy one.
I want to discover more bands.
I've been slacking a little on that.
I need to resume my massive amounts of downloading.
I need to start reading up on some of these new bands.
I need to put money towards concerts instead of stupid shit.
I need to push myself to go out alone and check out shows.
People aren't always going to be available to go out with me,
so I need to not let that hold me back.
I live in a great city for music, I need to get more into it.
I think that music will be my salvation.
It has already pulled me through enough situations,
so now I need to give it the respect that it deserves.
I need to pursue it and stop waiting for it to come to my door.
There are some great concerts coming up, I can't wait!
Soundset is going to be awesome, I have tickets for that already.
I want to get tickets to Rock the Garden (Yeasayer, Calexico, Solid Gold, Decemberists)
Cloud Cult is playing on Saturday, I want to check that out.
Plus Youth Group, PJ Harvey (oh my god!!), Animal Collective with Grouper, Low, Lady Sovereign (eh, maybe), Santogold, Doves, Camera Obscura, Gogol Bordello, Lucero, Julie Doiron, Grizzly Bear, Mewithoutyou, The National. . .shit dogg.
I'm going to be a busy girl.
And that feels good.

With bettering myself, it's gotta be healthy.
I need to start taking care of myself better.
I figure, if I eat less, I'll have more money for concerts :)
But I need to get into the habit of doing something active each day.
Whether it's walking, going for a bike ride, or having a 30 minute private dance party.
Something to get my heart going.
It would be good for me to be more healthy,
just for life quality reasons.
But I feel like I would have a better chance in the dating world if I lost some pounds.
I always told myself that I want a man that is going to fall in love with me for who I am,
not what my pants size is.
But I don't feel like guys are really giving me a chance to get to know me.
I hate that.
I hate that I am succumbing to the pressure of body image to try and get a date.
Because I don't really want to be with someone that is shallow like that anyway.
But.
I really don't know what else to do.
I kick some fucking ass,
but guys don't see that.
They can't see past the physical part,
that I'm chubby.
So, I'm going to make it easier on myself by making it hard on myself.
Stupid shallow boys.

Getting more financially secure is a hard one.
I've got unpaid bills floating around out there that are dragging my credit down.
I'm sure I'm not going to be able to buy a house until I'm like 50.
Which is sad.
I couldn't even get a loan a few months ago for $4000 for my truck.
My parents had to co-sign.
It's so embarrassing!
I'm a grown ass woman!
I still like spending money on stupid stuff.
Well, not entirely stupid stuff.
I'm just not smart about things.
I eat out way too much.
I don't go out to the bars too incredibly much,
but when I do, I go bonkers and get way silly and drinky.
It's probably a good thing that I don't have a crush in Duluth to go see,
that'd be so much money to go see him every few weeks or so.
Spending money on gas and food is one thing,
but damn, I'd have to stay in a hotel everytime I go visit?
That would get to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too expensive.
I probably would have had to spend $200 every time I visited.
That is just too much.
So, good. I guess.

I've set up a lot of plans this weekend.
Which will do me a lot of good.
I need to get out more.
I need to get out of my head more.
I have been thinking a lot lately and it makes things more painful.
I don't understand the way the world works.
I don't understand people.
Part of me is really sick of being in this transition that I feel my life is in.
But then again, part of me is really excited about the lack of responsibility I have.
In the fall I'm going to be going back to school.
That is going to be such a huge change for me!
It's going to be hard and I'm really going to have to focus.
I'm going to have to buckle down.
So right now would be the time to have my hayday.
It's probably better than I don't have a boy in my life,
because during school, I'm going to have to focus on good grades instead of him.
It'd be nice to have a summer fling though.
I'm kind of at a high point in my sexuality.
Maybe not the peak, but I'm definitely more sexually preoccupied than I've ever been.
So it'd be nice to have a boy to work some of that out on.
I want a boy that lives around some sweet bars.
Because then we can walk or ride bike down to the bars and hang out til bar close
and then walk/ride back to one of our places and have crazy drunk sex.
Awesomeness.
And it'd be nice to have a boy to go pursue music with.
But all that stuff is kind of fleeting.
At times I really want it, at times I don't.
I'm not sure what it is, but I feel completely fine spending time by myself.
I really enjoy my personal time.
I like being able to make stuff and tinker around with art projects.
I like being able to walk around in my underwear and rap to P.O.S.
I like not having to do the dishes all the time because someone is coming over.
I like living in my own little world that I have created.
I like the sound of my own little world when there isn't someone talking and disrupting it.
I am happy when I'm by myself.
Most of the time.
And when I'm not,
I have kick ass friends to call up and drag out.
It all works out.
I just needed to stop being emotional.
I got attached to a routine.
I got attached to waking up to cute pictures and texts.
I got attached to a feeling.
I couldn't even say that I got fully attached to the person,
because he wasn't really there anyway.
I got attached to something I created.
Now that I'm rational again, not pre-menstral emotional haha,
I can see all the things that I have that are better off.
And I can see what I have going for me for this summer.
I can see all the fun things I have to look forward to.
And I'm happy.
I feel content.
I've adjusted and am moving on.
It feels good.