Loved.

I am excited, I just found out this site isn't blocked at my work computer.
It probably wouldn't be as exciting of a find if I was a day-night shift person.
But since I'm overnight. . . I'll take any time consuming fun activity that I can.
Haha

So two things.

I live by this old beautiful church.
It's a wonderful example of architecture.
Complete with all the moldings, arches, and old gothic-y decor.
Love it.
What is even better, is that it has bells that sound at certain hours.
Every Sunday, they announce the begining and endings of services.
And on some hours, it'll chime out the time.
Beautiful.
It makes up for the stupid hospital down the street with it's loud ambulances.
And the fire station that must be somewheres around me as well,
those fire trucks are always making a ruckus too.
Saving lives, whatever.
So, if I ever get religous, sick or catch fire, I'll be in prime location for salvation.


Second thing.
I have an annoying characteristic of myself.
I am realizing it more and more.
I don't like people that like me.
I have a million crushes and I love being silly and giddy about liking people.
I love love.
However, when someone likes me back,
they become less attractive in my eyes.
I feel like I lose faith in them.
Or they become less 'cool' to me.
I think to myself:
I don't even really like myself half the time,
How can someone like me when I don't like me?
How can I live up to whatever opinion they have of me?
This is something I'm going to work on.
Let people love me.
Someone told me they liked me tonight.
And I'm really trying to stick with it.
I'm really trying to not loss interest.
I'm really trying not to screw it up.
But already, I feel some of the feelings leaving.
Ho hum.

B's, Y's, W's, and P's

When we lay down together, I like to talk to you with my face as close to yours as I possibly can while allowing you to still be able to talk. I like to push my nose to yours. And align our foreheads and chins. I like it when your eyelashes get all mixed up in mine. And I like it when your bottom lips brushes against mine when you pronounce words with "b"s, "y"s, "w"s, and "p's".

At Ease

When he enters a room, I feel relief.
The kind of relief that sweeps over me and loosens all tension or stress from my body.
Kind of like when I get myself really worked up and scared about something really stupid because of my wild imagination. It conjures up horrifying monsters, sometimes, when I'm all by myself, and then I realize that I'm just being silly and that there is nothing to be afraid of and it's just a matter of investigating shadows and creepy noises.
Like when I go to my closet to vanquish the blood thirsty terrors dwelling within and see that the scary monsters that were in there were just my jacket, hat and mitties that I threw over the folding chair, that moment when I'm sooooo scared, when my body was pins and needles of anticipation in pulling the string for my light in my closet to reveal the truth of my monsters, jacket and whatnot over a folding chair? Or scary, toothy, googly-eyed monsters?
If I could just get to the light, I could find out, and the mystery could be over!
The light, it's on, and it's just my jacket, everytime. And everytime I discover that me and my cat will live another day, I feel this great relief. This wonderful release of all my fears.
And when he comes to me, it's not that I feel that I never have to be afraid ever again. It's the relief that I know that with him here, I don't have to be alone to face those monsters. To turn on the light.

Careful.

Man, I don't know what it is.
There is something very dark in the pit of my body today.
Like something that is lining the underside of my muscle tissue,
because everytime I tense up, I feel something like electricity
flare all my muscles.
I get tense and my body prepares itself
like an animal before a fight to the death.
But it's this strange reaction that happens beyond my effort.
I've had these flashes of frustration and anger
in situations where I shouldn't feel personally about any one thing or the other.
Last night during my overnight at work I got really angry.
And I don't even know why.
Well, I mean, I know why, I know what the situation was.
A "rule" was being broken and it made me upset.
All the negative feelings washed over my compassion and my sympathy
And I became judgemental and . . .hateful.
I kept it all together during my vigil, but after dealing with the situation
I had to lock myself in the office and separate myself from the individual.
I am there to be a peace maker, someone to offer support and safety.
I let it all go.
Separating myself helped.
But, on my drive home, I just became really sad.
(well, and had the occassional outburst of road rage.)
I'm sure my music choice didn't help, but y'know.
I felt awful for having gotten angry.
I felt awful for feeling anything at all about it.
When someone breaks a house rule, I shouldn't take it personally.
It doesn't effect me personally.
Keep the peace. Keep them safe.
Sometimes I forget that my expectations must be different for each person.
Sometimes I forget to put myself in other people's shoes.
I always thought I was so compassionate.
I think that is a big part of my saddness this morning.
I was really disappointed in myself for losing my cool.
I consider myself to be a pretty level headed person in most cases.
I'm glad it was all contained in my body.
I'm glad I didn't yell. Or swear.
Or let anyone know that I was feeling what I was feeling.
It was a hard night.
Today, as I wake at 6:30pm,
I feel better.
I still feel a fragility inside.
It's like the weepiness and vulnerable feeling.
Sensitive.
I'm glad that I'm working at an easy house for tonight's overnight.
Whew.

How to Feed a Monk

Here's the deal; I had to help Dennis make something to bring to Common Grounds for his day-long meditation retreat. There is a monk coming in tomorrow that is leading the group through meditation and the participants are encouraged to bring food to share with the monk. So, Dennis and I went to Fat Lorenzo's, ate way too much, and then went to Kowalski's and spent entirely too much on groceries. Then we went to his place and created a wonderful dish (I picked it out, oh yeah!) It's refreshing, and I would say, almost palate cleansing. I'm a huge fan of cilantro, so that could be why I liked this dish so much. Anyway, I don't know how mangos are supposed to be cut, so I think our dish kind of suffered there. Dennis thought pineapple would be good in it, I love pineapple, so I didn't dispute. I'd say we added about 2-3 cups of cubed fresh pineapple. And the olive oil kind of didn't go with the salad. Dennis recommends not adding it. So there! Try it out!



Black Bean and Mango Salad Recipe.
Ingredients:
1 15.8 ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
2 cups mango, diced
1 cup sweet red bell pepper, diced
6 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup cilantro leaves, chopped
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 seeded Jalapeno pepper, minced or hot sauce to taste
Salt to taste

Preparation:Combine all ingredients. Toss and serve.

Add fresh cut pineapple for a Dennis twist.

somebody's.

Each time I approach a new crush,
I do so openly and earnestly.
I'm ready for amazing things.
I'm ready to learn about this person, inside and out.
I'm ready to love honestly and entirely.
Even when it's only the second date :)
It's ridiculous, but I can't help it!

Part of it is my complete infactuation with new people.
A new person is an enigma to me that I want to explore.
This person is holding the key to life!!!!
The experiences and wisdom they have!!
I am in awe and curious-wonder around new people.
They are my obsession.
I want to know everything about everyone!

Part of it is my love for love.
I'm a hopeless/hopeful romantic.
I love doing nice things for people,
people I hardly even know!
So to have someone that I can do nice things for all the time?
It's awesome!
I want to cook dinner for my boyface.
I want to give him a little backrub after work.
I want to make things and leave them around for him to discover.
Or leave notes in his pocket for him to find at random moments.
I love the feeling I have when I have a crush on someone!
I'm addicted to it!
I love the constant smile on my face and feeling like I'm dreaming.
But then there are the times when something doesn't go right.
Like when your date keeps you waiting 3 hours while he's at band practice,
And when he calls, it's just to cancel anyway.
It's hard to not be totally crushed by that.
Because I build it all up in my head to be some great thing
with some great person.
Then when reality strikes and I realize that it's probably no big deal for him,
When it means a lot to me. Too much to me.
I realize that I have to take it down a level.
And maybe those walls and gaurds should go up.
Sleep for 12 hours.
Then go make tacos with my good friends.
Best friends that pull me up when I'm down.
Friends that will hug me and say "It's his loss anyway"
Or point out that it was ". . only 1 cancelled date so don't get so upset already.".
And then I can come home.
Lay down on my bed and sigh.
The real loves of my life are my friends.
Stupid boys.

Happy.

Be happy.

I think in life that is what we're all trying to achieve.
No matter how you want to label it or what your idea for happiness is,
I think we are all just striving to be happy.
To be comfortable.
To feel contentment in our situations.
To not have to struggle.

If you break it down to the most singular, basic human emotion,
we all have our own ideas,
our own lives,
but the one thing that unifies us is our basic want to feel satisfied at the end of the day.
The want to be fulfilled.
The want to be loved.
The want to be happy.