Keep'n It Real

In all the things I claim to be or not to be,
the one this I can say that I am is real.
Even when I am living in my fantasy land
and dreaming about things that may never happen,
there is a realness to it.
There is heart behind it.
I will tell you exactly what I think of you, it, this, that, whatever.
I do so in a tactful way, I'm not a hurtful person.
But I pride myself in doing what I think is right.

I can come off as an intense person.
I can be very overwhelming.
And those characteristics have been somewhat of a hindrance to me.
But I won't apologize for it.
I like that I get carried away.
I like that I can be too much.
Because that is who I am,
and I'm going to keep it real.
I don't suppress myself and try to be something I'm not.
I might scare people off,
but I figure I want to get it all out in the open right away anyway.
I don't know how long I have, or how long any of us has.
I don't know how many opportunities I am going to have with people,
so I want to do everything right away.
I want to say it all.
I want to leave nothing behind.
I want no regret.
No stone unturned.
I want you to know everything about me rightthisverymoment.
Because moments are all we have.
And I'll be damned if I don't seize every opportunity I have.

So for people that can't handle me,
I feel bad for you, son.
I'm living life to the fullest that I can.
I'm not holding back.
I'm saying all the things that are on my mind
and trying to make that connection.
Ah! A connection.

I want to embrace everyone and everything.
I want to feel everything to the depth of my being.
I want to share all of this with everyone.
I want to share my love with all of you.
My smiles, my laughter, my stupid pervert jokes.
I want to envelop every person in my joy
and bring them along for the ride.
To be real with people,
and hope that people will be real with me in return.

So far I come off as slightly misunderstood.
Or so my BFF Dennis says.
"Guys just don't understand you."
I don't know if it's just guys.
And I make no claims to be some enigma or mystery.
I'm putting myself out there.
Someone is going to get it, someone will get what I'm about.
When that happens, it'll be like fire works.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

I still have a forlornness inside.
But I'm burying it as deep down as I can,
Sometimes when you ignore something long enough, it'll go away.
I've decided I need to commit to some things in life.
1. Music
2. Bettering myself
3. Getting better with my finances.

Music will be the easy one.
I want to discover more bands.
I've been slacking a little on that.
I need to resume my massive amounts of downloading.
I need to start reading up on some of these new bands.
I need to put money towards concerts instead of stupid shit.
I need to push myself to go out alone and check out shows.
People aren't always going to be available to go out with me,
so I need to not let that hold me back.
I live in a great city for music, I need to get more into it.
I think that music will be my salvation.
It has already pulled me through enough situations,
so now I need to give it the respect that it deserves.
I need to pursue it and stop waiting for it to come to my door.
There are some great concerts coming up, I can't wait!
Soundset is going to be awesome, I have tickets for that already.
I want to get tickets to Rock the Garden (Yeasayer, Calexico, Solid Gold, Decemberists)
Cloud Cult is playing on Saturday, I want to check that out.
Plus Youth Group, PJ Harvey (oh my god!!), Animal Collective with Grouper, Low, Lady Sovereign (eh, maybe), Santogold, Doves, Camera Obscura, Gogol Bordello, Lucero, Julie Doiron, Grizzly Bear, Mewithoutyou, The National. . .shit dogg.
I'm going to be a busy girl.
And that feels good.

With bettering myself, it's gotta be healthy.
I need to start taking care of myself better.
I figure, if I eat less, I'll have more money for concerts :)
But I need to get into the habit of doing something active each day.
Whether it's walking, going for a bike ride, or having a 30 minute private dance party.
Something to get my heart going.
It would be good for me to be more healthy,
just for life quality reasons.
But I feel like I would have a better chance in the dating world if I lost some pounds.
I always told myself that I want a man that is going to fall in love with me for who I am,
not what my pants size is.
But I don't feel like guys are really giving me a chance to get to know me.
I hate that.
I hate that I am succumbing to the pressure of body image to try and get a date.
Because I don't really want to be with someone that is shallow like that anyway.
But.
I really don't know what else to do.
I kick some fucking ass,
but guys don't see that.
They can't see past the physical part,
that I'm chubby.
So, I'm going to make it easier on myself by making it hard on myself.
Stupid shallow boys.

Getting more financially secure is a hard one.
I've got unpaid bills floating around out there that are dragging my credit down.
I'm sure I'm not going to be able to buy a house until I'm like 50.
Which is sad.
I couldn't even get a loan a few months ago for $4000 for my truck.
My parents had to co-sign.
It's so embarrassing!
I'm a grown ass woman!
I still like spending money on stupid stuff.
Well, not entirely stupid stuff.
I'm just not smart about things.
I eat out way too much.
I don't go out to the bars too incredibly much,
but when I do, I go bonkers and get way silly and drinky.
It's probably a good thing that I don't have a crush in Duluth to go see,
that'd be so much money to go see him every few weeks or so.
Spending money on gas and food is one thing,
but damn, I'd have to stay in a hotel everytime I go visit?
That would get to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too expensive.
I probably would have had to spend $200 every time I visited.
That is just too much.
So, good. I guess.

I've set up a lot of plans this weekend.
Which will do me a lot of good.
I need to get out more.
I need to get out of my head more.
I have been thinking a lot lately and it makes things more painful.
I don't understand the way the world works.
I don't understand people.
Part of me is really sick of being in this transition that I feel my life is in.
But then again, part of me is really excited about the lack of responsibility I have.
In the fall I'm going to be going back to school.
That is going to be such a huge change for me!
It's going to be hard and I'm really going to have to focus.
I'm going to have to buckle down.
So right now would be the time to have my hayday.
It's probably better than I don't have a boy in my life,
because during school, I'm going to have to focus on good grades instead of him.
It'd be nice to have a summer fling though.
I'm kind of at a high point in my sexuality.
Maybe not the peak, but I'm definitely more sexually preoccupied than I've ever been.
So it'd be nice to have a boy to work some of that out on.
I want a boy that lives around some sweet bars.
Because then we can walk or ride bike down to the bars and hang out til bar close
and then walk/ride back to one of our places and have crazy drunk sex.
Awesomeness.
And it'd be nice to have a boy to go pursue music with.
But all that stuff is kind of fleeting.
At times I really want it, at times I don't.
I'm not sure what it is, but I feel completely fine spending time by myself.
I really enjoy my personal time.
I like being able to make stuff and tinker around with art projects.
I like being able to walk around in my underwear and rap to P.O.S.
I like not having to do the dishes all the time because someone is coming over.
I like living in my own little world that I have created.
I like the sound of my own little world when there isn't someone talking and disrupting it.
I am happy when I'm by myself.
Most of the time.
And when I'm not,
I have kick ass friends to call up and drag out.
It all works out.
I just needed to stop being emotional.
I got attached to a routine.
I got attached to waking up to cute pictures and texts.
I got attached to a feeling.
I couldn't even say that I got fully attached to the person,
because he wasn't really there anyway.
I got attached to something I created.
Now that I'm rational again, not pre-menstral emotional haha,
I can see all the things that I have that are better off.
And I can see what I have going for me for this summer.
I can see all the fun things I have to look forward to.
And I'm happy.
I feel content.
I've adjusted and am moving on.
It feels good.

Let this be the epitaph for my heart.

The ending of this boy interest has been something like a 5 headed dog.
Each head taking turns to gnaw on my bones.
Optimism, Hope, Paranoia, Bitterness, and Sadness.
I had the optimism and hope fueling this fantasy of a long distance crush.
I know, deep down, that it would be hard for me to be in a long distance relationship, so it would have to remain casual. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for weeks on end. I can't imagine not being touched by someone you like that much for that long. Or to share their presence in a room. Or go do some fun activities together. I'm a physical, affectionate person. I need to see you, I need to touch you, laugh with you, enjoy your mind and your body. I'm that way when I like someone. There is only so much you can do with a cell phone. To miss someone, to be apart from the ones I love, it's like a piece is missing from me. I couldn't miss someone like that. Not a significant other.
That is my real side talking.
However.
When I have a crush on someone, I go balls to the wall. I am picky, so where there is someone that I like, it's intense. It's this feeling of "Where have you been all my life?". I get this a lot with new friends, new crushes, whatever. I have an overwhelming, intense personality. I go head over heels. I live in a dream-like state that is fueled by love and giddiness. I turn into a 13 year old girl. I get optimistic. I think that me and my crush can make it through anything. I imagine us being super heros when we are together and that we are going to take the world by storm. I lose sight of the logic in situations. "What? I only have$150 to last me the next 10 days? Aww. . but I really want to drive to Duluth. Fuck it, I don't need to eat for the last 4 days before we get paid again." It doesn't matter to me. There is no such thing as real world consequences. And the hope that I get, oh man. The hope is what removes gravity from my dreams so that I am floating around in the crazy delusion I live in. Each compliment I receive from my crush is like the sunshine on my face. Finally! A boy is seeing all the things that I am! Finally! I am the lucky one! It is my turn to get chosen! Yes!
But.
When you live on cloud nine. Floating around in your hope non-gravity air.
Paranoia is like lead weights on my ankles that drags me back down to Earth.
A seed has been planted and it tears me up.
And I feel it growing in the pit of my stomach.
I start to wonder about the girl that gets to be with him instead.
I wonder what she's got that is so special.
I become bitter.
What about the things he said to me?
What about all that stuff about being so smitten with me?
All the compliments become back sided because I was the one that got rejected.
Gee, I made you feel the way no one has for a long time?
Hmm. . .I'm sure. That's why I'm the one that got left behind.
I get really sad.
At first it's because of him.
Because I miss him.
Because I was looking forward to seeing him.
Because I really liked him. I really enjoyed this whole last month.
But then eventually, it has nothing to do with him.
I knew better. I've been grounded by all this negativity long enough to start thinking logically again. I knew better than to fall for a boy that lives so far away. I got carried away again, and I can recognise that now. I fall easily for a pretty face that whispers kind words into my ear.
I fall for the opportunity to be swept off my feet.
I fall for the opportunity to be romanticized.
And now, him bailing out, it's just a painful reminder of the rejection I've been facing.
It's been a rough year for the Phelpsie.
I'm trying, man, I'm trying!!
This whole dating thing is fucked.
I can't read people's minds.
I would rather just say it like it is.
"Hey, do you like me?"
"Yeah, I like you enough."
"Ok, do you want to kick it?"
"Sure."
"Alright. Do you want to make out later?"
"Mos Def, princess."
It's all that easy.
And yes, in my fictional conversation, he'd call me princess before we suck face.
So, in this sadness.
It becomes less and less about him,
and more about aaaaaaaall of them.
And that my search goes on.
Now I'm just numb.
I've been gnawed on by the dog.
I feel emotionally unavailable and I'm kind of just running on auto-pilot.
I'm beyond feeling anything right now.
It's just so sad and disappointing.
I like him so much.
But what are you going to do.
Suck it up and go to the liquor store.
Then drink that wine until you drown him out.
Because this love was all mine anyway.
Just because he doesn't like me doesn't mean that he can take it away.
Now, shoo dog, stop bothering me.



listening to: Magnetic Fields

From point 'A' to 'B'

I want to know how I can maintain this:


"I'm just going to throw this out there, consequences be damned. When I checked out your page, and then after reading your messages, all I could think was "This is the person I've been looking for, and I never knew if they were real or not." I've spent way to much of my life settling for someone that didn't want what I wanted or liked what I liked or enjoyed what I enjoyed, and it's really nice to know that there are people out there who are looking for that too, I just have to find them. Even if I never meet you, or hear from you again, at least I know there are people like you out there. So thanks, sincerely, for that."

"You are an amazing person Laura, and I don't feel even a little bit bad about being completely smitten by you.
I want to clarify that a bit:
I'm not smitten with you because of how you make me feel, though you make me feel wonderful about myself; like, "who could stop me?". I am smitten with you because of who you are. Because of what you do and what you say and how you say it. Having read your messages, and read your blog, and looked at your beautiful pictures, I would be head over heals even if you wanted nothing to do with me. I have never really felt that way before, and I was married for four years..."


I want to stay in this moment.
But I feel like my spell is already fading.
I wish I knew how to keep a man.
I wish I knew what trick that all the other women know.
I should keep my mouth shut, men love mystery.
I should get more interesting hobbies,
men love that. Right?




You got me. You got me really good. Now wtf are we going to do about it?