A,B,C's and 1, 2, 3's.

So.
School.
I'm finally, begrudgingly entering the world of academics.
As hard as it is for me to bring myself to do so,
you would think the world would cut me some slack and make it easier to enroll.
But nope, I'm a Phelps, gotta do everything the hard way :)
I enrolled into Metro State, but I was denied.
It's quite a blow to shoulder.
I was a decent student through high school,
and I did a year of college as a post secondary student through my senior year in H.S..
I ended that junk with a 3.0 GPA.
Not too great, but not terrible either.
But then once I graduated, I felt the pressure to go to college for something.
I started taking classes to be a chiropracter through RCTC.
But then one of my friends got his own place,
he was the first one of us and it was such a new and awesome thing
that one of us had a place where we could all go and get really fucked up and not care.
So I started skipping class to get drunk and do acid and
smoke pot and do coke and blah blah blah drugs.
And then I couldn't make it to class anymore because I was always so hung over,
or it got to the point that it was embarassing to be there because I had skipped so much.
So that ended my college attempt with a GPA of 1.75,
because I pretty much just dropped out within my first semester.
Noooooooooooooow it's present day and I applied to Metro State
and I had to take a placement test to see where I would have to start out with things.
I ended up doing very well in the english portion of my tests,
however, math totally got me and I failed that part miserably.
Hey, cut me some slack, me and my friend Josh thought it would be genius
to take every single one of our required math credits all within our 9th grade.
So, I haven't had any sort of a math class since the ending up the 9th grade.
I graduated in 2000. . .so it's been since. . .1997? Or so? 12 years? 13 years?
Yeah, I'm not surprised that I bombed math.
In the end, I didn't get accepted into Metro State.
But I was recommended to start out at MCTC a Minneapolis community college.
Fine, whatever.
I have to start with some developmental math classes to get the juices flowing again.
and I can do all my generals there,
then transfer over to Metro State once I have recovered my GPA enough.
Which, the whole transfer thing is kind of nice because MCTC and Metro state
share a campus at their Minneapolis location.
So when I transfer, I'll basically just get a new logo on my student ID,
and I'll keep going to the same campus as I was all along.
Whatever.

This is what gets me though.
I wish that it was easier to go to school.
Why do I have to be held to this standard?
Obviously my math skills suck, otherwise I wouldn't be going to you to sharpen them.
Obviously I don't know what it takes to be a social worker right now,
that is why I am applying to this school to learn how to perform in that field.
So why make it so hard?
Why make it so expensive?
In the collective community that we human beings live in,
does my education not provide a means to a greater solution?
School should be free.
And it should be open to all of us.
Teachers should be paid handsomely,
and by having school be free,
well, figure something out.
We give away scholorships and grants and all that crap,
just give it all directly to the teachers.
Whatever, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Also, I don't want to go to school.
I really don't.
And it is something that I have fought for a long time.
I don't want to be measured up to others.
I don't want to feel like I am stupid.
I don't want to feel pressure to perform in a way that is acceptable to a teacher
that doesn't know me and won't have time to appreciate my individuality.
I feel like attending school will be the ultimate stripping of who I am.
I will become another backpack toting drone that is lost in the crowd of academia.
I know who I am.
And I'm smart on my own.
But my natural intelligence won't be apprecaited there.
It is hardly appreciated by someone that knows
me deeply enough to know my natural talent.
My best friend.
The schooliest-scholar of them all.
He who says I have contempt for educated man.
How much he hits and misses with that statment.
I DON'T have contempt for educated man
in the way that I hate them for being smart.
Not at all.
I have great admiration for someone that can fall in line and do as they are asked.
I have respect for someone that can stick it out and commit to something like that.
I respect the fact that they are able to take the criticism of grades and handle monotony.
However,
I have contempt for someone that will not see me as their equal because
I have not been through the same generic routine.
I lose respect for someone that talks down to me because I didn't find my path sooner.
I hate being told that I am not adequete because I have not been in school.
I am just as smart as you,
and possibly even more so,
because I am doing all of this on my own.
So fuck your education.
Without it, I would like to see how we would stack up.
So when I graduate, be forwarned.
Because then I will truly have contempt.
And it will be for educated man.
Because once I get my receipt/diploma,
I'm fucking coming for all of you.

It has been a 10 year adventure,
living my life and taking it as it goes.
I never knew what it was that I would want to go to school for,
so I just kept on living and learning things about this world and myself
to really figure out what it is that I wanted to do with my life.
And I feel like all of this has made me a much stronger person in life.
I KNOW what I want to do now.
And knowing it, as strongly as I do, I have the passion to pursue it.
Had I signed up for school 5 years ago, out of pressure or whatever,
I would have dropped out again.
There is no doubt in my mind.
But now I know.
And I have all the life experience behind it all to fuel my insight.
I'm ready.
Well, no, I'm not.
But I know I need to do this.
Otherwise I'm going to be stuck working at a shitty group home for the rest of my life.
Fuck that.
I'm sick of going home, smelling like piss, shit, incence, and cigarettes.
I'm sick of being ineffectual and feeling like what I do pointless and mundane.
I'm ready for the next chapter in my life.
And school is just like the bridge between now and my future.
Fuck.
I hate school.
Already I hate it.
But atleast I get to go school supply shopping. Rock!

Magnolia

I wonder what in my life defines me.
Or rather, what it is throughout my life that defines the stages therein.
I know there are significant things that impact who I am.
My parents and brother are the biggest influences I have.
I know the love they have shown me and the support they always give me
is a determining factor in the way that I react to my surroundings.
I know that my closest friends also help form the person that I am.
Dennis, Anne, and now Ashely show me a lot of things about myself and the world.

I wonder with the things that surround me,
what it is that sticks out to me,
what it is about me that makes those particular events to be more 'life changing' than others.
Why do I pick up on *this* instead of *that*?
I think there are things within my personality that make me favor some influences.
I don't have an example, so this will be a horrible paragraph of nothing,
but I feel like the way that I am causes me to see things
in things that some others wouldn't.
I am optimistic,
I tend to pick up on the best part of a situation and expand upon it.
That is a good example I guess.
I am predisposed to always see the goodness in something.
I get bitter and resentful
and sometimes it causes me to dwell on some of the negativity,
but for the most part,
I can't help but see the beauty, love and miracles in the small things that surround me.

So, I wonder, how does that effect the things that shape me?
Will I tend to strive to see the happiness in all the things that impact my life?
What happens when something bad happens?
Hee hee :)
I know the answer to that,
I will delude myself to see the goodness in the bad as well.
My optimism is like a fantasy defense mechanism.

And how will I shape the lives of those I come in contact with?
I always hope that I leave a positive impact.
I will never really know, I suppose.
But, I have the rosey, sunny outlook that leads me to hope that
I can improve someone's day by a tiny, little fraction
by smiling at a stranger on the street.
Or holding the door open for someone.
Or being the first person to say hello while passing someone in a store.
I try to be helpful when possible.
I don't know what kind of day people are having when I interact with them,
so I try not to press upon them the bullshit of my day/life,
and I try to cater to what is going on with them at the moment.
Maybe by smiling at a person in the grocery store,
I will somehow make them believe that young hooligans
that have piercings in their face and dark make-up around their eyes
are nice, friendly people that aren't half bad.
Maybe by holding the door for someone will give them that small break they needed.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to make a small dent.
I know I can't change the world.
I know I can't change anything buy myself.
But I hope that I can atleast be a positive influence to those that I am around.

Photo Kids.

I think kids are interesting.
I like to strike up a conversation with kids when I can.
It's pretty rare, I don't know many people with children,
but I enjoy the innocent honesty that you get from a child.
This writing, however, is not about what they say,
already I am getting off topic. :)
I am interested in what they see.
I have decided that when I have kids,
I will make sure they have a camera at all times.
I'd probably prefer to go with some disposable 35mm camera,
something that wouldn't matter if they lost it, broke it, whatever.
I am curious about what pictures little kids would take.
I am interested in the angles they'd shoot at.
I'm sure that most of the pictures would be impulsive snaps
that are out of focus, fuzzy, blurry,
and the targeted object of the picture would probably be half out of the frame.
However, I think it would be interesting to go through a roll of child's film.
I want to know what catches their eye.
I want to know what they thought was worth capturing in their shutter.
I want to know what they are seeing in the scenery.
In a way, I want to be able to see something through the eyes of a child.

I would have albums and albums of their photos.
Granted, I would hopefully have a child that willingly goes along with their crazy mom.
I would have walls that are filled with frames holding their photos.
We could use their photos for collages.
We could use the photos to create pages in books.
Cards for relatives.
Something for them to look at when they are older.
Something so they can see what they saw when they were a child.

And who knows,
starting a child off this way might lead to something more.
I think the more confidence the child has in pursuing their vision could be a good thing.
Maybe that confidence would lead them to be more artist.
Maybe they would embrace their creativity.
Maybe.