I didn't really know you.
I don't think I saw you for the last year and a half leading up to your death.
I have some little memories that are insignificant
in comparison to the accumulative great moments of your life.
I'll remember the way you said grace at our dinner table.
Your rich, low voice that seemed like it came from a rock quarry or cemetery.
(kind of Johnny Cash-ish in a way)
The tinge of Utah that still clung to it in accent.
The way you precisely articulated each somber word
as you blessed our meal, our coming together, and each of us individually.
How you always said grandpa-y things to me in salutations.
Like "Well, who's this pretty girl over here!?"
Or "Now aren't you the prettiest girl I ever saw!".
Even after I got my tongue pierced.
Then my nose and lip.
You still said I was a pretty girl,
even though I know you really didn't like that stuff.
I'll remember how a few times you got emotional when you said goodbye to me.
You told me not to "let those boys take advantage" of me.
How in the world you ever knew my dating history was beyond me.
But you did.
So, I have those memories of you.
Not much.
But I am so grateful for you to have raised a son like my dad.
I have one of the best dads in the entire world.
I've always appreciated my dad, I've always known that I was lucky,
but working in the line of work that I do now,
I see the effects of having bad moms and dads.
(obviously mental illness comes from many different factors, but. .)
Having great parents has always kept me grounded.
I have great role models for parenting, marriage, and compassion for people.
I want to grow up and be just like my parents.
Now, whether my dad grew up wanting to be a mirror image of you,
or whether he said that he wanted to do everything different from you,
I don't know.
As far as I can tell, my dad and you had/have very different ideas of parenting.
And either way, I feel that it all is directly influenced by you.
I am not a good reporter of family history,
but from what I gather,
you and my father had a very strained relationship.
My dad was a bad ass and you were a disciplinarian and religious man.
My dad fucked up a lot and you cut your losses early on.
So when my dad knocked some girl up and then married her,
you turned your back when he needed you support.
My dad isn't a man that holds grudges,
but I think it is something that really formed his outlook on who he would be.
My dad has never turned his back on me.
I know that man would drown trying to hold my head above water.
I know that man would burn himself alive trying to save me from the depths of hell.
Everything I've ever asked for,
Everything I have ever needed,
my dad has sacrificed and scrapped up what he could to provide for me.
I know you were a good man,
and that you provided a home for your family.
I know you tried and I know you did what you thought was right.
And I bet it was hard having a son like my dad.
But he turned out good.
You raised a good man.
I love him. =
Thank you Grandpa.
My life is full of love and happiness because of where I come from.
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1 comment:
Dad would have loved your posting and I cannot say thanks enough. I have re-read your letter several times. It has been almost a year since he passed and I still cannot talk about it. Ward Jr. was a pillar to the Phelps family and loved by all for the very qualities you captured. For Ray and I there were so many memories and to Dad his boys always came first, it is impossible to repay our Fathers love. I feel Ray and I both wanted to be like Dad. I hope in some way we succeeded. Thank you so much. Ward III
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