I guess we'll just have to adjust.

I still have a forlornness inside.
But I'm burying it as deep down as I can,
Sometimes when you ignore something long enough, it'll go away.
I've decided I need to commit to some things in life.
1. Music
2. Bettering myself
3. Getting better with my finances.

Music will be the easy one.
I want to discover more bands.
I've been slacking a little on that.
I need to resume my massive amounts of downloading.
I need to start reading up on some of these new bands.
I need to put money towards concerts instead of stupid shit.
I need to push myself to go out alone and check out shows.
People aren't always going to be available to go out with me,
so I need to not let that hold me back.
I live in a great city for music, I need to get more into it.
I think that music will be my salvation.
It has already pulled me through enough situations,
so now I need to give it the respect that it deserves.
I need to pursue it and stop waiting for it to come to my door.
There are some great concerts coming up, I can't wait!
Soundset is going to be awesome, I have tickets for that already.
I want to get tickets to Rock the Garden (Yeasayer, Calexico, Solid Gold, Decemberists)
Cloud Cult is playing on Saturday, I want to check that out.
Plus Youth Group, PJ Harvey (oh my god!!), Animal Collective with Grouper, Low, Lady Sovereign (eh, maybe), Santogold, Doves, Camera Obscura, Gogol Bordello, Lucero, Julie Doiron, Grizzly Bear, Mewithoutyou, The National. . .shit dogg.
I'm going to be a busy girl.
And that feels good.

With bettering myself, it's gotta be healthy.
I need to start taking care of myself better.
I figure, if I eat less, I'll have more money for concerts :)
But I need to get into the habit of doing something active each day.
Whether it's walking, going for a bike ride, or having a 30 minute private dance party.
Something to get my heart going.
It would be good for me to be more healthy,
just for life quality reasons.
But I feel like I would have a better chance in the dating world if I lost some pounds.
I always told myself that I want a man that is going to fall in love with me for who I am,
not what my pants size is.
But I don't feel like guys are really giving me a chance to get to know me.
I hate that.
I hate that I am succumbing to the pressure of body image to try and get a date.
Because I don't really want to be with someone that is shallow like that anyway.
But.
I really don't know what else to do.
I kick some fucking ass,
but guys don't see that.
They can't see past the physical part,
that I'm chubby.
So, I'm going to make it easier on myself by making it hard on myself.
Stupid shallow boys.

Getting more financially secure is a hard one.
I've got unpaid bills floating around out there that are dragging my credit down.
I'm sure I'm not going to be able to buy a house until I'm like 50.
Which is sad.
I couldn't even get a loan a few months ago for $4000 for my truck.
My parents had to co-sign.
It's so embarrassing!
I'm a grown ass woman!
I still like spending money on stupid stuff.
Well, not entirely stupid stuff.
I'm just not smart about things.
I eat out way too much.
I don't go out to the bars too incredibly much,
but when I do, I go bonkers and get way silly and drinky.
It's probably a good thing that I don't have a crush in Duluth to go see,
that'd be so much money to go see him every few weeks or so.
Spending money on gas and food is one thing,
but damn, I'd have to stay in a hotel everytime I go visit?
That would get to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too expensive.
I probably would have had to spend $200 every time I visited.
That is just too much.
So, good. I guess.

I've set up a lot of plans this weekend.
Which will do me a lot of good.
I need to get out more.
I need to get out of my head more.
I have been thinking a lot lately and it makes things more painful.
I don't understand the way the world works.
I don't understand people.
Part of me is really sick of being in this transition that I feel my life is in.
But then again, part of me is really excited about the lack of responsibility I have.
In the fall I'm going to be going back to school.
That is going to be such a huge change for me!
It's going to be hard and I'm really going to have to focus.
I'm going to have to buckle down.
So right now would be the time to have my hayday.
It's probably better than I don't have a boy in my life,
because during school, I'm going to have to focus on good grades instead of him.
It'd be nice to have a summer fling though.
I'm kind of at a high point in my sexuality.
Maybe not the peak, but I'm definitely more sexually preoccupied than I've ever been.
So it'd be nice to have a boy to work some of that out on.
I want a boy that lives around some sweet bars.
Because then we can walk or ride bike down to the bars and hang out til bar close
and then walk/ride back to one of our places and have crazy drunk sex.
Awesomeness.
And it'd be nice to have a boy to go pursue music with.
But all that stuff is kind of fleeting.
At times I really want it, at times I don't.
I'm not sure what it is, but I feel completely fine spending time by myself.
I really enjoy my personal time.
I like being able to make stuff and tinker around with art projects.
I like being able to walk around in my underwear and rap to P.O.S.
I like not having to do the dishes all the time because someone is coming over.
I like living in my own little world that I have created.
I like the sound of my own little world when there isn't someone talking and disrupting it.
I am happy when I'm by myself.
Most of the time.
And when I'm not,
I have kick ass friends to call up and drag out.
It all works out.
I just needed to stop being emotional.
I got attached to a routine.
I got attached to waking up to cute pictures and texts.
I got attached to a feeling.
I couldn't even say that I got fully attached to the person,
because he wasn't really there anyway.
I got attached to something I created.
Now that I'm rational again, not pre-menstral emotional haha,
I can see all the things that I have that are better off.
And I can see what I have going for me for this summer.
I can see all the fun things I have to look forward to.
And I'm happy.
I feel content.
I've adjusted and am moving on.
It feels good.