Careful.

Man, I don't know what it is.
There is something very dark in the pit of my body today.
Like something that is lining the underside of my muscle tissue,
because everytime I tense up, I feel something like electricity
flare all my muscles.
I get tense and my body prepares itself
like an animal before a fight to the death.
But it's this strange reaction that happens beyond my effort.
I've had these flashes of frustration and anger
in situations where I shouldn't feel personally about any one thing or the other.
Last night during my overnight at work I got really angry.
And I don't even know why.
Well, I mean, I know why, I know what the situation was.
A "rule" was being broken and it made me upset.
All the negative feelings washed over my compassion and my sympathy
And I became judgemental and . . .hateful.
I kept it all together during my vigil, but after dealing with the situation
I had to lock myself in the office and separate myself from the individual.
I am there to be a peace maker, someone to offer support and safety.
I let it all go.
Separating myself helped.
But, on my drive home, I just became really sad.
(well, and had the occassional outburst of road rage.)
I'm sure my music choice didn't help, but y'know.
I felt awful for having gotten angry.
I felt awful for feeling anything at all about it.
When someone breaks a house rule, I shouldn't take it personally.
It doesn't effect me personally.
Keep the peace. Keep them safe.
Sometimes I forget that my expectations must be different for each person.
Sometimes I forget to put myself in other people's shoes.
I always thought I was so compassionate.
I think that is a big part of my saddness this morning.
I was really disappointed in myself for losing my cool.
I consider myself to be a pretty level headed person in most cases.
I'm glad it was all contained in my body.
I'm glad I didn't yell. Or swear.
Or let anyone know that I was feeling what I was feeling.
It was a hard night.
Today, as I wake at 6:30pm,
I feel better.
I still feel a fragility inside.
It's like the weepiness and vulnerable feeling.
Sensitive.
I'm glad that I'm working at an easy house for tonight's overnight.
Whew.