Let this be the epitaph for my heart.

The ending of this boy interest has been something like a 5 headed dog.
Each head taking turns to gnaw on my bones.
Optimism, Hope, Paranoia, Bitterness, and Sadness.
I had the optimism and hope fueling this fantasy of a long distance crush.
I know, deep down, that it would be hard for me to be in a long distance relationship, so it would have to remain casual. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for weeks on end. I can't imagine not being touched by someone you like that much for that long. Or to share their presence in a room. Or go do some fun activities together. I'm a physical, affectionate person. I need to see you, I need to touch you, laugh with you, enjoy your mind and your body. I'm that way when I like someone. There is only so much you can do with a cell phone. To miss someone, to be apart from the ones I love, it's like a piece is missing from me. I couldn't miss someone like that. Not a significant other.
That is my real side talking.
However.
When I have a crush on someone, I go balls to the wall. I am picky, so where there is someone that I like, it's intense. It's this feeling of "Where have you been all my life?". I get this a lot with new friends, new crushes, whatever. I have an overwhelming, intense personality. I go head over heels. I live in a dream-like state that is fueled by love and giddiness. I turn into a 13 year old girl. I get optimistic. I think that me and my crush can make it through anything. I imagine us being super heros when we are together and that we are going to take the world by storm. I lose sight of the logic in situations. "What? I only have$150 to last me the next 10 days? Aww. . but I really want to drive to Duluth. Fuck it, I don't need to eat for the last 4 days before we get paid again." It doesn't matter to me. There is no such thing as real world consequences. And the hope that I get, oh man. The hope is what removes gravity from my dreams so that I am floating around in the crazy delusion I live in. Each compliment I receive from my crush is like the sunshine on my face. Finally! A boy is seeing all the things that I am! Finally! I am the lucky one! It is my turn to get chosen! Yes!
But.
When you live on cloud nine. Floating around in your hope non-gravity air.
Paranoia is like lead weights on my ankles that drags me back down to Earth.
A seed has been planted and it tears me up.
And I feel it growing in the pit of my stomach.
I start to wonder about the girl that gets to be with him instead.
I wonder what she's got that is so special.
I become bitter.
What about the things he said to me?
What about all that stuff about being so smitten with me?
All the compliments become back sided because I was the one that got rejected.
Gee, I made you feel the way no one has for a long time?
Hmm. . .I'm sure. That's why I'm the one that got left behind.
I get really sad.
At first it's because of him.
Because I miss him.
Because I was looking forward to seeing him.
Because I really liked him. I really enjoyed this whole last month.
But then eventually, it has nothing to do with him.
I knew better. I've been grounded by all this negativity long enough to start thinking logically again. I knew better than to fall for a boy that lives so far away. I got carried away again, and I can recognise that now. I fall easily for a pretty face that whispers kind words into my ear.
I fall for the opportunity to be swept off my feet.
I fall for the opportunity to be romanticized.
And now, him bailing out, it's just a painful reminder of the rejection I've been facing.
It's been a rough year for the Phelpsie.
I'm trying, man, I'm trying!!
This whole dating thing is fucked.
I can't read people's minds.
I would rather just say it like it is.
"Hey, do you like me?"
"Yeah, I like you enough."
"Ok, do you want to kick it?"
"Sure."
"Alright. Do you want to make out later?"
"Mos Def, princess."
It's all that easy.
And yes, in my fictional conversation, he'd call me princess before we suck face.
So, in this sadness.
It becomes less and less about him,
and more about aaaaaaaall of them.
And that my search goes on.
Now I'm just numb.
I've been gnawed on by the dog.
I feel emotionally unavailable and I'm kind of just running on auto-pilot.
I'm beyond feeling anything right now.
It's just so sad and disappointing.
I like him so much.
But what are you going to do.
Suck it up and go to the liquor store.
Then drink that wine until you drown him out.
Because this love was all mine anyway.
Just because he doesn't like me doesn't mean that he can take it away.
Now, shoo dog, stop bothering me.



listening to: Magnetic Fields